T-Bex the Mighty

So, if you've ever read this blog, you get that I have one or two mental illnesses.  I don't try to hide it, even though it feels shameful sometimes.  More accurately, it always feels shameful.  Its something as a society we try to hide from one another, and when its brought into the open its uncomfortable for just about everyone involved. I don't like that mindset, so I tend to be obnoxiously open about it.  I don't hide it and I don't pretend it isn't real, even when I want to.  Its difficult sometimes, and it makes for awkward social interactions on a pretty regular basis.  The shameful stigma surrounding mental health is a problem though, one I combat whenever I can.  So this means that I tell people things like, "I'm in a state of depression and its really difficult for me.  I'm dealing with it, but its not easy.  Please be patient with me."  Or even, "I've been behaving poorly lately and I know it.  I want to apologize and e...

If you follow me on Pintrest, you can pretty much tell when I'm having a rough day.  My feed gets clogged with photos of beautiful fat women and inspirational quotes about body love. I don't do this because I'm sitting at home thinking to myself, "Wow!  I'm sooooooooooo in love with my body today!  I need to share it with THE WORLD!!!" No. What is happening inside my head closely resembles this: I am not good enough.  I will never be good enough.  I've gained weight.  I'm a failure.  I'm getting fat.  I better check my BMI (again) to make sure its still ok.  I'd better do body fat calculator too, just to be safe.  I can't believe I didn't go to the gym at all last week; I know I was sick and could barely function doing daily tasks (like waking up for work, staying awake at work, staying awake in the car during the commute between work and home, etc) but that one week of skipped gym IS GOING TO MAKE ME FAT.  Omg.  My stoma...

When I started my job at Rebel, I was miserable.  I hated my job at Big Red Wireless more than I'd hated any other job I'd ever had.  It was crushing my spirit.  I was dying inside.  Rebel was more than a blast of fresh air, it was a new beginning.  It was a chance to begin to heal from the wounds of cellular retail.  I loved it. I still love it, but some things have become apparent. First, and foremost, I don't get enough sleep.  Ever.  Sleep deprivation is one of the most detrimental things that can happen to a person's health, and I can attest to that first hand.  I've tried to get enough rest, knowing that 4-6 hours of sleep 5 days a week isn't enough, and that it will continue harming me if I keep it up.  But its really difficult.   Let me lay out my weekday schedule for you: 2:35am: My first alarm goes off.  This alarm makes me solve a math problem just to snooze it so that my brain starts to work.  I ...

I don't have the best routine for editing the things I purge from my mind.  It hasn't really bothered me before now, since I've been secluded in my brain excrement (livejournal is, essentially, dead.  It's taken me this long for it to sink in).  However, I've been making my thoughts more and more public lately (via this here blog), and I think I'd like to do better. That being said, I probably won't. This is an entirely selfish endeavor.  I don't think I'm going to change minds or create a new world order by telling the few folks to follow my facebook posts to this internet locale.  Instead, I think I'm creating something.  I'm sharing the parts of myself I don't want to keep secret any more.  The parts of myself I'm too shy to tell you in person.  Or maybe we don't see each other as much as we'd like.  Or maybe we don't even know each other very well, but some inherently human curiosity drove you to click the link. Wh...

I realized something today that I've been denying for ages:  I use my degree in the job I have. That's kind of a big deal.  You see, I got the degree with the full understanding that I would not ever go directly into the field of Sociology.  I didn't want to, I knew I'd hate it.  Academia is one of my least favorite places.  The pretentious, bullshit, know-it-all attitude drives me crazy .  I always enjoyed the real conversations, which only a few teaches were ever to accomplish, but I couldn't help but be repulsed by just how much jargon was used and ill-defined concepts accepted as reality.  I fell into the trap of it at first, but slowly, as I partied and lived in the real world, I came to the realization that none of it would ever benefit me there.  The jargon, not the lessons. I had an undeclared concentration within Sociology that deeply affected the way I treat the people around me: Gender, sexuality, and queer studies. I did it mostl...

I've been a bit absent from the world lately.  There's a whole lot of reasons for this, and I haven't quite sussed them all out into words yet, so bear with me as I try. First and foremost, I'd like to address the subject of sleep. We've all pulled long hours at some point or another, whether studying for a test or being sucked into Buffy  for twelve hours straight and forgetting about work tomorrow. . . We've all been sleep deprived.  You know what it feels like.  It makes the world a foggy place, where most things are a little confusing until you reach the point where all of those confusing things become hilarious and you feel a little bit drunk.  Now imagine that for a year, only after a while the laughing hysterically at your clumsiness (most likely caused by lack of adequate rest) stops.  It becomes much less of a joke.  Like, a lot less.   I've been living in this strange cycle of sleeping then not sleeping then sleeping again since I...

This is not organized.  I'm running on emotion, not critical thought.  I just watched This is What Love in Action Looks Like  on Netflix, which is pretty much designed to pull at heartstrings.  Sufficed to say, they have been pulled and I need to word vomit. ******************************************************************************** I need to say something. Queerness is ok.  We're all a little bit queer.  Please, don't be mad at yourself for being queer.  Don't hate on others for being queer.  Being queer is not a sin.  It is not something that you can "fix." Being queer does not mean you're broken.  Being queer does not make you evil.  You are not deviant.  Being queer is not shameful. Stop. Please, just stop. It hurts me to the deepest part of my being, because, quite frankly my queerness is an essential part of who I am and I cannot, and will not, change it. Its ok to be who you are. It is ok to be uncomfor...

I'm really struggling with a thought I've had for a while now.  Its difficult to put into words and I'm sure I'll offend someone out there with it.  Plus, I'm so worried about not saying it right that I haven't said anything at all.  I've decided I just have to SAY IT, whether it comes out perfect or not. So first, try not to take what I'm saying as an attack, rather as a heartfelt confession.  Second, I apologize if it gets messy.  Here goes nothing. . . Every time someone reminds me that I am thin, I am triggered.  Every time a customer says, "You don't look like you work at a donut shop,"  or, "How do you NOT weight 300 pounds?! I know I would!"  I am triggered. I try to just ignore them, because they're just victims of a social prejudice and they are ignorant of it, but it hurts me none the less.  Every time one of my friends says, "God Becky, stop worrying so much about what you eat.  Its not like you have to wo...