Why can't thin girls be pissed off about fat shaming?
I'm really struggling with a thought I've had for a while now. Its difficult to put into words and I'm sure I'll offend someone out there with it. Plus, I'm so worried about not saying it right that I haven't said anything at all. I've decided I just have to SAY IT, whether it comes out perfect or not. So first, try not to take what I'm saying as an attack, rather as a heartfelt confession. Second, I apologize if it gets messy. Here goes nothing. . .
Every time someone reminds me that I am thin, I am triggered. Every time a customer says, "You don't look like you work at a donut shop," or, "How do you NOT weight 300 pounds?! I know I would!" I am triggered. I try to just ignore them, because they're just victims of a social prejudice and they are ignorant of it, but it hurts me none the less.
Every time one of my friends says, "God Becky, stop worrying so much about what you eat. Its not like you have to worry, you're so skinny!" I am triggered.
Triggered in the sense that I am then tempted to count calories again (which I haven't done since last November when I quit my sales job to work at Rebel Donut, and is a HUGE success in my life). When it really gets to me, I am tempted to do exercises during my down time just so I can feel like I'm burning up that half a donut I snacked on at work. I am tempted to change out my rest periods (I usually try to nap, or at least sit for an hour or two after work since I'm up at 2:30 am most days and need the energy) for periods of intense physical activity so I can maintain my thinness, even though my husband and I go to the gym almost every weeknight for an hour or so. I find myself afraid of a mother-fucking GRAPEFRUIT. I mean, I fucked up and ate that half a donut earlier in the day, so god forbid I eat a snack before the gym since I already ate too much this morning. I look at my happy morning self with disgust. I hate that person for enjoying the leftover buttercream on that half a donut. I can hardly believe I'm the same person. I begin to obsessively believe that I don't deserve any more food today because I had that treat, and lunch. Any more food would be a travesty because I ate that donut.
I know tonight when I go to the gym, I will only see the women who have extremely muscled bodies (like the kind you see all over facebook or pinterest, the kinds of bodies of people who are probably long time athletes, and enjoy it for themselves), and I think to myself, "I'll never look like that because of that god-damned donut. I can't be beautiful like them because I eat too much sugar/fat/starch/meat/dairy/eggs/fruits/vegetables/food."
Its insane, I know. Believe me, I've seen the therapists and done the programs. I know its not real.
What is real though, is that we still comment on each others weight. Constantly. "Wow, you look great! Did you lose weight?" As if that would make someone more beautiful. As if seeing me in my gym clothes and saying, "Hey, you look skinny in those pants!" Is a compliment. Its not. It is a reminder that a large portion of my adult life has been obsessively devoted to maintaining my weight, or losing it.
In addition to that, its frustrating because socially it is accepted that because I am thin, I must be happy. Right? I'm not fat, so all must be right in my world all the time. That's just the way it is, isn't it?
Then there's Skinny Girl Guilt. It's a lot like White Guilt. Like, I have to stay this thin to uphold the social rules, like I have to prove that I earned my thinness so I don't make anyone feel bad for not being thin. It ends up feeling like I'm trying to make up for it in some way. Or sometimes it is as if the social ideal of thin must be my ideal, right? There's this generally accepted rule of thumb that if you are thin you must despise fat people for being all those terrible things people decide fat means (lazy, stupid, ugly, etc.) and you love your body all the time because, obviously, its so small! Then the guilt comes in because, well, I should be happy right? I should have everything in the whole world figured out. I mean, I'm skinny. Skinny people are happy people, and fat people aren't. Right? I'll tell you two things right now. 1) I love fat people. I'm actually significantly more sexually attracted to fat girls than skinny girls. 2) I have a tendency to have absolutely nothing about life figured out, and I hate my body. That might be three things, but whatever.
I am bothered by this Skinny Girl Guilt because in the Fat Acceptance world, its as if skinny girls cease to exist. Or are the enemy. Or aren't allowed to have body insecurities. I love the resources out there for body love, and I am warmed every time I see something with a bazillion body types on it (one that might even look a little like mine!) with a body positive saying such as, "All bodies are beautiful!" I really appreciate that. Because typically it seems to either be, "Hey look, this person is skinny so they must be happy/perfect/motivated/healthy!" Which is bullshit. Or its, "Hey look, this person is fat and they love their body no matter what the media wants them to do!" Which is awesome, but. . . Well, it shouldn't matter what the body of the person loving it looks like, they should love it no matter what.*
I am bothered that we don't talk about it. That instead of saying, "Hey, you're a beautiful person." We say, "Wow, you look great. Have you lost weight?" That instead of believing we are all equally beautiful, I have friends that must point out my thinness every time they see me, "You need some gravy fries. Put some meat on those bones." It singles me out. It triggers me. It makes me ashamed to live in the body I have.
I want it to stop. I am going to start standing up for myself when people talk about my weight. I will set boundaries. I will not let people talk about their diets around me. I will be forward and kind when I speak to them about how their words hurt me. I will explain that body acceptance is important to me, for all bodies, even my own. I will piss someone off. I will apologize for upsetting them, but not for being true to my recovery. Not for doing what is good for me. I will love them, because I believe a lot of the time, they say these things out of their own self hatred, and possible jealousy of my thinness.
I don't know what its like to be a fat person in this society, but I do know what its like to hate my body. I can show them its ok to love themselves, by loving myself and by loving them.
I'm still upset, but at least its out there now. You know?
*I really love fat acceptance/body love images. I believe they combat the mass media portrayal of thinness as ideal and appreciate everything they do. Also, it means I get to look at beautiful fat women while browsing pinterest, so, you know. Hell yeah.
Every time someone reminds me that I am thin, I am triggered. Every time a customer says, "You don't look like you work at a donut shop," or, "How do you NOT weight 300 pounds?! I know I would!" I am triggered. I try to just ignore them, because they're just victims of a social prejudice and they are ignorant of it, but it hurts me none the less.
Every time one of my friends says, "God Becky, stop worrying so much about what you eat. Its not like you have to worry, you're so skinny!" I am triggered.
Triggered in the sense that I am then tempted to count calories again (which I haven't done since last November when I quit my sales job to work at Rebel Donut, and is a HUGE success in my life). When it really gets to me, I am tempted to do exercises during my down time just so I can feel like I'm burning up that half a donut I snacked on at work. I am tempted to change out my rest periods (I usually try to nap, or at least sit for an hour or two after work since I'm up at 2:30 am most days and need the energy) for periods of intense physical activity so I can maintain my thinness, even though my husband and I go to the gym almost every weeknight for an hour or so. I find myself afraid of a mother-fucking GRAPEFRUIT. I mean, I fucked up and ate that half a donut earlier in the day, so god forbid I eat a snack before the gym since I already ate too much this morning. I look at my happy morning self with disgust. I hate that person for enjoying the leftover buttercream on that half a donut. I can hardly believe I'm the same person. I begin to obsessively believe that I don't deserve any more food today because I had that treat, and lunch. Any more food would be a travesty because I ate that donut.
I know tonight when I go to the gym, I will only see the women who have extremely muscled bodies (like the kind you see all over facebook or pinterest, the kinds of bodies of people who are probably long time athletes, and enjoy it for themselves), and I think to myself, "I'll never look like that because of that god-damned donut. I can't be beautiful like them because I eat too much sugar/fat/starch/meat/dairy/eggs/fruits/vegetables/food."
Its insane, I know. Believe me, I've seen the therapists and done the programs. I know its not real.
What is real though, is that we still comment on each others weight. Constantly. "Wow, you look great! Did you lose weight?" As if that would make someone more beautiful. As if seeing me in my gym clothes and saying, "Hey, you look skinny in those pants!" Is a compliment. Its not. It is a reminder that a large portion of my adult life has been obsessively devoted to maintaining my weight, or losing it.
In addition to that, its frustrating because socially it is accepted that because I am thin, I must be happy. Right? I'm not fat, so all must be right in my world all the time. That's just the way it is, isn't it?
Then there's Skinny Girl Guilt. It's a lot like White Guilt. Like, I have to stay this thin to uphold the social rules, like I have to prove that I earned my thinness so I don't make anyone feel bad for not being thin. It ends up feeling like I'm trying to make up for it in some way. Or sometimes it is as if the social ideal of thin must be my ideal, right? There's this generally accepted rule of thumb that if you are thin you must despise fat people for being all those terrible things people decide fat means (lazy, stupid, ugly, etc.) and you love your body all the time because, obviously, its so small! Then the guilt comes in because, well, I should be happy right? I should have everything in the whole world figured out. I mean, I'm skinny. Skinny people are happy people, and fat people aren't. Right? I'll tell you two things right now. 1) I love fat people. I'm actually significantly more sexually attracted to fat girls than skinny girls. 2) I have a tendency to have absolutely nothing about life figured out, and I hate my body. That might be three things, but whatever.
I am bothered by this Skinny Girl Guilt because in the Fat Acceptance world, its as if skinny girls cease to exist. Or are the enemy. Or aren't allowed to have body insecurities. I love the resources out there for body love, and I am warmed every time I see something with a bazillion body types on it (one that might even look a little like mine!) with a body positive saying such as, "All bodies are beautiful!" I really appreciate that. Because typically it seems to either be, "Hey look, this person is skinny so they must be happy/perfect/motivated/healthy!" Which is bullshit. Or its, "Hey look, this person is fat and they love their body no matter what the media wants them to do!" Which is awesome, but. . . Well, it shouldn't matter what the body of the person loving it looks like, they should love it no matter what.*
I am bothered that we don't talk about it. That instead of saying, "Hey, you're a beautiful person." We say, "Wow, you look great. Have you lost weight?" That instead of believing we are all equally beautiful, I have friends that must point out my thinness every time they see me, "You need some gravy fries. Put some meat on those bones." It singles me out. It triggers me. It makes me ashamed to live in the body I have.
I want it to stop. I am going to start standing up for myself when people talk about my weight. I will set boundaries. I will not let people talk about their diets around me. I will be forward and kind when I speak to them about how their words hurt me. I will explain that body acceptance is important to me, for all bodies, even my own. I will piss someone off. I will apologize for upsetting them, but not for being true to my recovery. Not for doing what is good for me. I will love them, because I believe a lot of the time, they say these things out of their own self hatred, and possible jealousy of my thinness.
I don't know what its like to be a fat person in this society, but I do know what its like to hate my body. I can show them its ok to love themselves, by loving myself and by loving them.
I'm still upset, but at least its out there now. You know?
*I really love fat acceptance/body love images. I believe they combat the mass media portrayal of thinness as ideal and appreciate everything they do. Also, it means I get to look at beautiful fat women while browsing pinterest, so, you know. Hell yeah.
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