T-Bex the Mighty

I like my simple life. It's calm. Afternoons spent sitting. Watching cats play. Listening to the man next to me wording. Drinking margaritas. Watching the sky be the sky. Listening to music I've never heard before. Planning adventures only I can imagine. Being who I am. Living here, now. Footloose. Loving all the parts of everything. Seriously. Loving them. Barefoot. Sleeveless. BRALESS!!! Proud of where I have been, because I'm not there anymore. A future pregnant with hope. Hope, hope, futile hope. Happy hope. Daydream hope. You know what I mean. Hash tag simple life. Hash tag hope.

I'm sure I appear to be a very public person.  I am unashamed of my personal downfalls and will gladly post it all over the internet for the universe to see.  I'll tell anyone about my mood on any given day, and no one will deny that I will tell you exactly what I think about any situation. In reality though, I'm a surprisingly private person.  Through my life I have found that my raw, unfiltered emotions tend to overwhelm people, and they become uneasy around me.  For some things, I enjoy making people uneasy.  To me, it makes them examine their own lives and perspectives on things.  If you read things I say though, I tend to have a clinical, removed way of speaking about things.  I don't allow my emotions to cloud the words I say.  This means that I leave a lot unsaid.  Which is ok, honestly.  I'm quite capable of caring for myself, especially when it comes to my emotional health. If you saw me right now, you wouldn't recognize me....

I'm guessing most of the people who read this follow me on facebook, but for anyone who doesn't I recently posted this: "Can we talk about how much I like myself? I find it to be almost troublesome in this world, because it seems like there's so many people all around telling me not to. "Party girls get fat," "I wish I didn't have thunder thighs," "I don't eat carbs," "you're not good enough until you give it 110%!" Are things we all see, hear, and tell each other constantly. I'm fucking sick of it. Guess what self-haters and judgers-of-others, I genuinely like myself. From my party girl beer gut to my messy house. I'm awesome. Deal with it. (and maybe leave room in your own life to just exist in a place of happiness. Just sayin.)" It was received well, as most confident things are.  However, there's so much more to it than just me being pissed off that society has a penchant for holding confident...

So, if you've ever read this blog, you get that I have one or two mental illnesses.  I don't try to hide it, even though it feels shameful sometimes.  More accurately, it always feels shameful.  Its something as a society we try to hide from one another, and when its brought into the open its uncomfortable for just about everyone involved. I don't like that mindset, so I tend to be obnoxiously open about it.  I don't hide it and I don't pretend it isn't real, even when I want to.  Its difficult sometimes, and it makes for awkward social interactions on a pretty regular basis.  The shameful stigma surrounding mental health is a problem though, one I combat whenever I can.  So this means that I tell people things like, "I'm in a state of depression and its really difficult for me.  I'm dealing with it, but its not easy.  Please be patient with me."  Or even, "I've been behaving poorly lately and I know it.  I want to apologize and e...

If you follow me on Pintrest, you can pretty much tell when I'm having a rough day.  My feed gets clogged with photos of beautiful fat women and inspirational quotes about body love. I don't do this because I'm sitting at home thinking to myself, "Wow!  I'm sooooooooooo in love with my body today!  I need to share it with THE WORLD!!!" No. What is happening inside my head closely resembles this: I am not good enough.  I will never be good enough.  I've gained weight.  I'm a failure.  I'm getting fat.  I better check my BMI (again) to make sure its still ok.  I'd better do body fat calculator too, just to be safe.  I can't believe I didn't go to the gym at all last week; I know I was sick and could barely function doing daily tasks (like waking up for work, staying awake at work, staying awake in the car during the commute between work and home, etc) but that one week of skipped gym IS GOING TO MAKE ME FAT.  Omg.  My stoma...

When I started my job at Rebel, I was miserable.  I hated my job at Big Red Wireless more than I'd hated any other job I'd ever had.  It was crushing my spirit.  I was dying inside.  Rebel was more than a blast of fresh air, it was a new beginning.  It was a chance to begin to heal from the wounds of cellular retail.  I loved it. I still love it, but some things have become apparent. First, and foremost, I don't get enough sleep.  Ever.  Sleep deprivation is one of the most detrimental things that can happen to a person's health, and I can attest to that first hand.  I've tried to get enough rest, knowing that 4-6 hours of sleep 5 days a week isn't enough, and that it will continue harming me if I keep it up.  But its really difficult.   Let me lay out my weekday schedule for you: 2:35am: My first alarm goes off.  This alarm makes me solve a math problem just to snooze it so that my brain starts to work.  I ...

I don't have the best routine for editing the things I purge from my mind.  It hasn't really bothered me before now, since I've been secluded in my brain excrement (livejournal is, essentially, dead.  It's taken me this long for it to sink in).  However, I've been making my thoughts more and more public lately (via this here blog), and I think I'd like to do better. That being said, I probably won't. This is an entirely selfish endeavor.  I don't think I'm going to change minds or create a new world order by telling the few folks to follow my facebook posts to this internet locale.  Instead, I think I'm creating something.  I'm sharing the parts of myself I don't want to keep secret any more.  The parts of myself I'm too shy to tell you in person.  Or maybe we don't see each other as much as we'd like.  Or maybe we don't even know each other very well, but some inherently human curiosity drove you to click the link. Wh...