Big changes, small towns.

I've always though to myself as a city dweller. Any time I've ever left Albuquerque it's been for a bigger or equivalent city, someplace I can get lost in all the bodies.

In 2004 I left home for the first time to attend school in St. Louis.  I ended up having a mental breakdown (among other things) and coming home.

In 2009 I impulsively moved to Oahu, a hugely populated island in Hawaii. When people from the mainland think of Hawaii, I seriously doubt they're thinking of Oahu. Kawaii or Maui, maybe, but not the high rises and traffic jams in Honolulu. The circumstances weren't ideal, and I scrimped and saved every penny I made so I could go back to Albuquerque and make a life for myself.

For all intents and purposes, that's what I did. I had my dream job, a relationship that looked ideal, and a kooky online presence that meant I got all the attention I, a last born show-off, could want. I lived that life for five years. When it fell apart, I did everything in my power to make it seem like I was fine. Like everything was fine.

So my departure to Grand Forks in 2018 came as a shock. It certainly shocked the person I was dating and living with. A sweet man who certainly didn't earn being left so abruptly. Not one of my shining moments.

To give you an idea of the difference between Albuquerque and Grand Forks, let me just say this: The metropolitan area of Albuquerque has a bigger population than the entire state of North Dakota.

Grand Forks is the 3rd largest city in the state at about 57,000 residents. Well, 57,001 now.

I doubt I'll ever go back.

I will visit, sure. I love the friends and family I left there and I miss them every day. Albuquerque, on the other hand, has turned into place of pain and shame, loss and disappointment. Maybe in 20 years it won't feel so heavy, but right now it tugs at my heard like those weighted pieces of plastic that keep balloons from flying away.

Being away from it, specifically being here, has removed me from constant reminders of trauma. It has removed me the constant fear that I'm about to run in to someone I don't want to. It has given me space to heal in leaps rather than baby-steps.

I can't pin-point the specifics of "why," aside from being away from Albuquerque. Maybe that's all it took.

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