Fear has no place in my world, or, Why I'm Wasted Doing What I'm Doing
I'm guessing most of the people who read this follow me on facebook, but for anyone who doesn't I recently posted this:
"Can we talk about how much I like myself? I find it to be almost troublesome in this world, because it seems like there's so many people all around telling me not to. "Party girls get fat," "I wish I didn't have thunder thighs," "I don't eat carbs," "you're not good enough until you give it 110%!" Are things we all see, hear, and tell each other constantly. I'm fucking sick of it. Guess what self-haters and judgers-of-others, I genuinely like myself. From my party girl beer gut to my messy house. I'm awesome. Deal with it. (and maybe leave room in your own life to just exist in a place of happiness. Just sayin.)"
It was received well, as most confident things are. However, there's so much more to it than just me being pissed off that society has a penchant for holding confident women down. It has a lot to do with the fact that I think I often hold myself down.
I want to point some things out, and hopefully it will be taken the way I mean it to be.
I consider myself to be rather self-aware. I know my strengths and weaknesses. I don't believe that weaknesses make me any less strong. In fact, in a lot of ways it is them that keep me grounded and (somewhat) humble. Overall, I think I'm pretty great. I'm smart, attractive, motivated, compassionate, loving, fun, spirited, etc. I really do think highly of myself. Something that frustrates me time and time again though, is that I think I'm wasting myself. Less so now than in the past, but that nagging feeling of having more in me than I'm giving is there all the time.
I believe that I have the power to change something. I see the world in a different way than most people I've encountered. I have an unbelievably open mind. I have been this way as long as I can remember. I like people who are different from me. Sure, there's some of that embarrassing, voyeuristic curiosity inherent in being human, but its more than that. I'm always tickled to find out someone is not the way I am, even if I detest the way they are. Seriously. I find people who wholly trust our social systems in their most flawed ways to be blind and, quite frankly, stupid. Its judgmental of me, sure, but I respect that they are a) not as educated about it as I am, and b) they have a right to be blind to it. It certainly must make life simple. So while I find it abhorrent, I also think its ok (and none of my goddamned business). I would love to educate and sway people to be more open to the realities of race, gender, and sexuality. However, I don't preach. I hate it when Christians preach (seriously, I skip over bible quotes on facebook. I don't even bother. I find them annoying. I don't mean to offend people with that, though I'm sure I will. I don't mind that you quote your beliefs in a public forum, that's your right and I think its great that you are comfortable enough to do that. I just choose to avoid them because I don't believe what you do, and I never will. I think its a reasonable compromise.) so why in all the world would I do that to anyone else? Above all, I believe in consent. Seriously, I hold that above almost anything else. Even on Pintrest, I have a board of workout ideas (I enjoy exercise) but its private, because I don't think anyone should see it, as it has the capacity to make someone feel guilty for not also having an exercise board. Its one of those things, unlike pictures of guinea pigs and kittens, that I think each individual should seek out and decide for themselves, not something that should be forced onto their feeds. Consent people, consent.
To some extent, I think I've mentioned this before, that's why I rant on blogger and not facebook. People can't always avoid seeing a rant on fb, and that's not fair. However, there is a certain act of consent when you follow a link to a rant.
Anyway. Where was I going with this? Oh right. I'm wasted in my life.
Personal life: Mostly great. I seriously love my husband, he has a lot of the same ideas about how to behave in society as I do. He believes what he believes (which, coincidentally is not always the same as what I believe) and accepts and appreciates that people believe differently from him. He's loving, kind, fun as all get out, and is always willing to grow and change within himself and our relationship. Also, he's aware of my awesomeness, which I always appreciate. I have friends I like, and friends who have crossed into the realm of family, whom I love. My family is odd, I'm certainly not anything like them, but that's ok with me 100%. I won't try to change them, because I respect who they are. I don't agree with them, but I love them.
Work life: Always a challenge. Not because the job is challenging, though it can be, but rather that it is a matter of forcing myself to dumb down a little bit.
Brain life: Bad. Terrible. No good. Emotionally I'm doing fine. But my brain is stagnant. It is an amazing thing and most of the time I feel like its already out to pasture. Guess what? THAT SUCKS. I'm a seriously intelligent person. I didn't thrive in school because it was too damned easy for me. That, and academia is full of pretentious dick holes who have nothing better to do than be hypocrites. They're the ones who will damn a religious person for being religious, and damn a white male for not realizing how lucky he is, and so on and so forth. I think they need to get out of their own comfort zone and act with more love, less fear. Yes, I agree with a lot of those things, but do you have to be so abrasive about it? Can't we take a page out of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.'s book, and act with peace and love? Or are you afraid that will make you weak? Let me tell you, it won't. Love wins, every time. <- Tangent.
Academia is not my favorite place or group of people. However, I miss education. I miss having my mind challenged. I miss being uncomfortable in my assumptions about the world. I think I could change the world, actually, if I was back in school. Then I challenge myself, "Why not change the world now? Why do you think you need school? Just do it!" Ok brain, yes. That is my general philosophy about life. Why wait, just do. The problem I run into is that I haven't got the resources to do what I want to do. If I was to get into grad school, create a strong thesis and argue it appropriately, I would almost certainly get a grant or some other kind of funding to do my research in a PhD program, then as a full time Sociologist. My concept, not to brag or anything, is revolutionary and pertinent. I could literally change the West as we know it. No joke. I've told a few people my concept, and it always blows their minds. I've already done some basic searching in previous sociology journals, and there's nothing there. Do you know how exciting it is to quite possibly be the progenitor of a whole new field/theory of Sociology? Fucking thrilling, that's how. I could, quite possibly, change all the things I find terrible in academia. Anyone who knows me knows that when I've decided something is going to change, I am a force to be reckoned with. I am strong, willful, and very willing to admit when I am wrong or need to adjust something in myself (which is a strength in and of itself), so I very rarely become stagnant.
So, what's holding me back? Fear. The opposite of how I try to live my life. I don't like it. I'm in a rather comfortable place right now, and I don't know if I really want to change that to be a student in a world where student loans are ruining lives, the job market is shallow, and the country (as far as I can see) is failing us. I don't like it. I know myself though, and once I've figured out how to overcome this fear, watch out folks, the world will change. So get yourselves ready, in 30 years, I'll be the name on every young American Studies, Women's Studies, and Sociology major's tongue.
;o)
"Can we talk about how much I like myself? I find it to be almost troublesome in this world, because it seems like there's so many people all around telling me not to. "Party girls get fat," "I wish I didn't have thunder thighs," "I don't eat carbs," "you're not good enough until you give it 110%!" Are things we all see, hear, and tell each other constantly. I'm fucking sick of it. Guess what self-haters and judgers-of-others, I genuinely like myself. From my party girl beer gut to my messy house. I'm awesome. Deal with it. (and maybe leave room in your own life to just exist in a place of happiness. Just sayin.)"
It was received well, as most confident things are. However, there's so much more to it than just me being pissed off that society has a penchant for holding confident women down. It has a lot to do with the fact that I think I often hold myself down.
I want to point some things out, and hopefully it will be taken the way I mean it to be.
I consider myself to be rather self-aware. I know my strengths and weaknesses. I don't believe that weaknesses make me any less strong. In fact, in a lot of ways it is them that keep me grounded and (somewhat) humble. Overall, I think I'm pretty great. I'm smart, attractive, motivated, compassionate, loving, fun, spirited, etc. I really do think highly of myself. Something that frustrates me time and time again though, is that I think I'm wasting myself. Less so now than in the past, but that nagging feeling of having more in me than I'm giving is there all the time.
I believe that I have the power to change something. I see the world in a different way than most people I've encountered. I have an unbelievably open mind. I have been this way as long as I can remember. I like people who are different from me. Sure, there's some of that embarrassing, voyeuristic curiosity inherent in being human, but its more than that. I'm always tickled to find out someone is not the way I am, even if I detest the way they are. Seriously. I find people who wholly trust our social systems in their most flawed ways to be blind and, quite frankly, stupid. Its judgmental of me, sure, but I respect that they are a) not as educated about it as I am, and b) they have a right to be blind to it. It certainly must make life simple. So while I find it abhorrent, I also think its ok (and none of my goddamned business). I would love to educate and sway people to be more open to the realities of race, gender, and sexuality. However, I don't preach. I hate it when Christians preach (seriously, I skip over bible quotes on facebook. I don't even bother. I find them annoying. I don't mean to offend people with that, though I'm sure I will. I don't mind that you quote your beliefs in a public forum, that's your right and I think its great that you are comfortable enough to do that. I just choose to avoid them because I don't believe what you do, and I never will. I think its a reasonable compromise.) so why in all the world would I do that to anyone else? Above all, I believe in consent. Seriously, I hold that above almost anything else. Even on Pintrest, I have a board of workout ideas (I enjoy exercise) but its private, because I don't think anyone should see it, as it has the capacity to make someone feel guilty for not also having an exercise board. Its one of those things, unlike pictures of guinea pigs and kittens, that I think each individual should seek out and decide for themselves, not something that should be forced onto their feeds. Consent people, consent.
To some extent, I think I've mentioned this before, that's why I rant on blogger and not facebook. People can't always avoid seeing a rant on fb, and that's not fair. However, there is a certain act of consent when you follow a link to a rant.
Anyway. Where was I going with this? Oh right. I'm wasted in my life.
Personal life: Mostly great. I seriously love my husband, he has a lot of the same ideas about how to behave in society as I do. He believes what he believes (which, coincidentally is not always the same as what I believe) and accepts and appreciates that people believe differently from him. He's loving, kind, fun as all get out, and is always willing to grow and change within himself and our relationship. Also, he's aware of my awesomeness, which I always appreciate. I have friends I like, and friends who have crossed into the realm of family, whom I love. My family is odd, I'm certainly not anything like them, but that's ok with me 100%. I won't try to change them, because I respect who they are. I don't agree with them, but I love them.
Work life: Always a challenge. Not because the job is challenging, though it can be, but rather that it is a matter of forcing myself to dumb down a little bit.
Brain life: Bad. Terrible. No good. Emotionally I'm doing fine. But my brain is stagnant. It is an amazing thing and most of the time I feel like its already out to pasture. Guess what? THAT SUCKS. I'm a seriously intelligent person. I didn't thrive in school because it was too damned easy for me. That, and academia is full of pretentious dick holes who have nothing better to do than be hypocrites. They're the ones who will damn a religious person for being religious, and damn a white male for not realizing how lucky he is, and so on and so forth. I think they need to get out of their own comfort zone and act with more love, less fear. Yes, I agree with a lot of those things, but do you have to be so abrasive about it? Can't we take a page out of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.'s book, and act with peace and love? Or are you afraid that will make you weak? Let me tell you, it won't. Love wins, every time. <- Tangent.
Academia is not my favorite place or group of people. However, I miss education. I miss having my mind challenged. I miss being uncomfortable in my assumptions about the world. I think I could change the world, actually, if I was back in school. Then I challenge myself, "Why not change the world now? Why do you think you need school? Just do it!" Ok brain, yes. That is my general philosophy about life. Why wait, just do. The problem I run into is that I haven't got the resources to do what I want to do. If I was to get into grad school, create a strong thesis and argue it appropriately, I would almost certainly get a grant or some other kind of funding to do my research in a PhD program, then as a full time Sociologist. My concept, not to brag or anything, is revolutionary and pertinent. I could literally change the West as we know it. No joke. I've told a few people my concept, and it always blows their minds. I've already done some basic searching in previous sociology journals, and there's nothing there. Do you know how exciting it is to quite possibly be the progenitor of a whole new field/theory of Sociology? Fucking thrilling, that's how. I could, quite possibly, change all the things I find terrible in academia. Anyone who knows me knows that when I've decided something is going to change, I am a force to be reckoned with. I am strong, willful, and very willing to admit when I am wrong or need to adjust something in myself (which is a strength in and of itself), so I very rarely become stagnant.
So, what's holding me back? Fear. The opposite of how I try to live my life. I don't like it. I'm in a rather comfortable place right now, and I don't know if I really want to change that to be a student in a world where student loans are ruining lives, the job market is shallow, and the country (as far as I can see) is failing us. I don't like it. I know myself though, and once I've figured out how to overcome this fear, watch out folks, the world will change. So get yourselves ready, in 30 years, I'll be the name on every young American Studies, Women's Studies, and Sociology major's tongue.
;o)
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