The Ongoing Process of Living with an ED
Howdy there, just me. It's ramble time.
I got sick a few weeks ago. It started out as a flu/cold like thing with a lot of congestion and traveled to the digestive system. It was mainly awful. I was out of work for a few days, and I have to be really sick to stay home from work.
I'm mostly better now, my body is still healing a little but its doing ok. Something happens though, almost every time I'm sick, that I'm going to be recovering from for a while yet: I relapse.
Yup, every time.
I get sick, and then suddenly without even realizing its happened, I come to the realization that I've been skipping meals and eating portions too small for toddlers.
I think a big part of it, for me, is that for me to be comfortable eating, eating has to be comfortable, enjoyable even. If I can't taste the food (like when my sinuses were a mess), what's the point of wasting my precious time eating it? Then my stomach was a mess, and lord help me, there's nothing worse than trying to do something you know is good for you (i.e., eating) and having it backfire - literally.
So now I'm well, but because eating disorders are so pervasive and comforting, its been tough to figure out how to regulate eating again. Always is. This isn't new. It's frustrating as all hell, but it isn't new.
See the way my mind, and the minds of many people with eating disorders, is this: Fasting/restricting caloric intake our brains begin to function differently. What happens, in laymen terms, is that the brain produces less serotonin, the chemical we all know is linked to mood, appetite, and a whole bunch of other stuff that has to do with every day life. Because our human bodies cannot produce this stuff without food, the levels decrease a LOT when a person is starving. If you want to understand this more, go here. This is a friend of mine who writes in depth about the science of eating disorders. It's a little dense for me, but what I gleam from it is validation of what I experience in my own life.
If that starving feeling happens once, even on accident, its like a drug. Its addictive. It makes me feel good. I want to continue feeling good, so I will continue being hungry. It becomes obsessive and detrimental to my every day successes. I begin a cycle of weighing myself (because I know where Dan hides his scale) 2-3 times a day, drinking water when I'm hungry instead of eating, measuring my food into exact quantities, using caffeine for energy instead of food, and generally beating myself up for the times when I eat whatever I want (which is almost all the time these days, so there's a lot of material for the ED to latch on to). The only thing to do is pick up and move on. I can't even focus on it or it will only get worse, that's the nature of obsession.
Luckily, I've been through the therapy and I have a fabulous support system, so I'm able to cope. I'm able to distract myself enough to get past the worst part, and I force myself to eat. Yup. Force. I hate it. It makes me so angry to eat when I'm in the cycle, but I know once the cycle is done I'll be glad I made myself so angry.
By coping, I mean identifying the initial trigger (this time it was simply that I got hungry because I was sick and food was unappealing) and then facing any other situations that may be causing stress which will make the disorder stick around. It takes a lot of effort and support. It makes me feel kind of. . . Well, I don't know. On one hand I'm glad I can get myself out of any funk I find myself in. On the other hand, I'm pretty damn sick of finding myself in the same funk time and time again. I get so pissed off. I mean, will this shit ever end? I do everything right and it still comes back to haunt me ALL THE DAMN TIME.
The answer that I've had to accept is, no. This shit will probably never end. And I do all the right things, which means I'll keep on going. Screw you EDNOS. I will always win, even though its work and I hate doing it. I'm good at fighting, I'm strong, and I love myself. So. There.
Eloquent, right?
I got sick a few weeks ago. It started out as a flu/cold like thing with a lot of congestion and traveled to the digestive system. It was mainly awful. I was out of work for a few days, and I have to be really sick to stay home from work.
I'm mostly better now, my body is still healing a little but its doing ok. Something happens though, almost every time I'm sick, that I'm going to be recovering from for a while yet: I relapse.
Yup, every time.
I get sick, and then suddenly without even realizing its happened, I come to the realization that I've been skipping meals and eating portions too small for toddlers.
I think a big part of it, for me, is that for me to be comfortable eating, eating has to be comfortable, enjoyable even. If I can't taste the food (like when my sinuses were a mess), what's the point of wasting my precious time eating it? Then my stomach was a mess, and lord help me, there's nothing worse than trying to do something you know is good for you (i.e., eating) and having it backfire - literally.
So now I'm well, but because eating disorders are so pervasive and comforting, its been tough to figure out how to regulate eating again. Always is. This isn't new. It's frustrating as all hell, but it isn't new.
See the way my mind, and the minds of many people with eating disorders, is this: Fasting/restricting caloric intake our brains begin to function differently. What happens, in laymen terms, is that the brain produces less serotonin, the chemical we all know is linked to mood, appetite, and a whole bunch of other stuff that has to do with every day life. Because our human bodies cannot produce this stuff without food, the levels decrease a LOT when a person is starving. If you want to understand this more, go here. This is a friend of mine who writes in depth about the science of eating disorders. It's a little dense for me, but what I gleam from it is validation of what I experience in my own life.
If that starving feeling happens once, even on accident, its like a drug. Its addictive. It makes me feel good. I want to continue feeling good, so I will continue being hungry. It becomes obsessive and detrimental to my every day successes. I begin a cycle of weighing myself (because I know where Dan hides his scale) 2-3 times a day, drinking water when I'm hungry instead of eating, measuring my food into exact quantities, using caffeine for energy instead of food, and generally beating myself up for the times when I eat whatever I want (which is almost all the time these days, so there's a lot of material for the ED to latch on to). The only thing to do is pick up and move on. I can't even focus on it or it will only get worse, that's the nature of obsession.
Luckily, I've been through the therapy and I have a fabulous support system, so I'm able to cope. I'm able to distract myself enough to get past the worst part, and I force myself to eat. Yup. Force. I hate it. It makes me so angry to eat when I'm in the cycle, but I know once the cycle is done I'll be glad I made myself so angry.
By coping, I mean identifying the initial trigger (this time it was simply that I got hungry because I was sick and food was unappealing) and then facing any other situations that may be causing stress which will make the disorder stick around. It takes a lot of effort and support. It makes me feel kind of. . . Well, I don't know. On one hand I'm glad I can get myself out of any funk I find myself in. On the other hand, I'm pretty damn sick of finding myself in the same funk time and time again. I get so pissed off. I mean, will this shit ever end? I do everything right and it still comes back to haunt me ALL THE DAMN TIME.
The answer that I've had to accept is, no. This shit will probably never end. And I do all the right things, which means I'll keep on going. Screw you EDNOS. I will always win, even though its work and I hate doing it. I'm good at fighting, I'm strong, and I love myself. So. There.
Eloquent, right?
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