Aimless.
I keep trying to write something that I feel. Something that makes sense to me, but all that makes sense to me right now is cost of goods sold and maybe my cats. Maybe. They've surrounded me, as it's almost dinner time, and they think if they're annoying enough maybe I'll feed 'em early. They're not wrong either.
My mind is this mushy mess of work and self discovery. I'm sort of. . . stuck.
Which I guess isn't always a bad thing. Maybe I'm supposed to be here for a minute, take in the view. There's a lot of this part of life that I haven't discovered yet. There's parts of my brain that want to be explored right now, and I'm finding it difficult. I've tasked myself to find the things that I can do that will nourish me. Not just my body, that's pretty easy. Eat food, move your body, get rest. That's not actually that difficult.
Well, it is. But it also isn't. It's easy to make it difficult and be in control of it, but in reality its not that hard to just be alive. I've gotten to a place where I am consistently taking care of myself physically. Past that I'm doing a really good job of keeping my stress levels at a normal place.
I'm doing really well right now, and to me that's stuck.
I'm so used to fighting myself, to having an internal battle. I've become intimately familiar with all the things that hurt me, that I struggle with. I have a very close relationship to all of my dark parts. I had to be buddy-buddy with them so that I could get through them, so I could overcome them.
But what now?
It's a really common question for those in eating disorder recovery. ED becomes an identity, or at least a keystone part of identity. It's very difficult to let go of that, to see that there is a whole person without ED waiting to be explored.
I have to admit, I'm not comfortable exploring the bright side. MY bright side, at least. I can call out all the good in everyone around me and in every dark situation. But finding the bright in myself is daunting.
I mean, who am I after all? Does it even matter?
Not to get all existential on you or anything, but this is where I am right now. I have gotten through to the bright side only to find that it's basically IKEA furniture. All the pieces are there, but now I have to put it all together. This set didn't come with instructions, so I basically have to wing it. I don't even know what kind of furniture I'm supposed to be making, I just know that there's approximately twelve billion pieces and they're all part of who I am, and they all fit together somehow.
That's where nourishing myself comes in. Nourishing the whole person is what will help those pieces fall in to place, or at least get me in the right direction. Maybe it will at least tell me what I'm supposed to be building.
Here are some things I am sure of:
1. Dan is awesome and we make a great team.
2. I like my job. It is challenging, rewarding, and I get to work closely with some really amazing human beings.
3. I can a force to be reckoned with, when I put my mind to it.
4. I want to use my creative mind. I want to make things.
5. I have no direction past that.
So I guess the best thing I can do is practice patience. And doing things. Patience and doing things. Like this. This aimless, unsatisfactory rant. I will keep doing these things until something important, interesting, or likable comes out.
Because you can't do unless you do.
Right?
My mind is this mushy mess of work and self discovery. I'm sort of. . . stuck.
Which I guess isn't always a bad thing. Maybe I'm supposed to be here for a minute, take in the view. There's a lot of this part of life that I haven't discovered yet. There's parts of my brain that want to be explored right now, and I'm finding it difficult. I've tasked myself to find the things that I can do that will nourish me. Not just my body, that's pretty easy. Eat food, move your body, get rest. That's not actually that difficult.
Well, it is. But it also isn't. It's easy to make it difficult and be in control of it, but in reality its not that hard to just be alive. I've gotten to a place where I am consistently taking care of myself physically. Past that I'm doing a really good job of keeping my stress levels at a normal place.
I'm doing really well right now, and to me that's stuck.
I'm so used to fighting myself, to having an internal battle. I've become intimately familiar with all the things that hurt me, that I struggle with. I have a very close relationship to all of my dark parts. I had to be buddy-buddy with them so that I could get through them, so I could overcome them.
But what now?
It's a really common question for those in eating disorder recovery. ED becomes an identity, or at least a keystone part of identity. It's very difficult to let go of that, to see that there is a whole person without ED waiting to be explored.
I have to admit, I'm not comfortable exploring the bright side. MY bright side, at least. I can call out all the good in everyone around me and in every dark situation. But finding the bright in myself is daunting.
I mean, who am I after all? Does it even matter?
Not to get all existential on you or anything, but this is where I am right now. I have gotten through to the bright side only to find that it's basically IKEA furniture. All the pieces are there, but now I have to put it all together. This set didn't come with instructions, so I basically have to wing it. I don't even know what kind of furniture I'm supposed to be making, I just know that there's approximately twelve billion pieces and they're all part of who I am, and they all fit together somehow.
That's where nourishing myself comes in. Nourishing the whole person is what will help those pieces fall in to place, or at least get me in the right direction. Maybe it will at least tell me what I'm supposed to be building.
Here are some things I am sure of:
1. Dan is awesome and we make a great team.
2. I like my job. It is challenging, rewarding, and I get to work closely with some really amazing human beings.
3. I can a force to be reckoned with, when I put my mind to it.
4. I want to use my creative mind. I want to make things.
5. I have no direction past that.
So I guess the best thing I can do is practice patience. And doing things. Patience and doing things. Like this. This aimless, unsatisfactory rant. I will keep doing these things until something important, interesting, or likable comes out.
Because you can't do unless you do.
Right?
Comments
Post a Comment